Are We There Yet?

So I’ve been thinking about why it has taken me so long to post an update.  I’d like to have the excuse “I’ve been busy”; but based on my idea of “busy” I’ve just been “normal to relaxed”.    I’m starting to think I’ve been subconsciously avoiding posting because I’m tired of thinking about how I’m doing and I’ve been working  hard at distracting myself.  You know, that whole “watched pot never boils” thing.   After torturing myself with constant self-evaluation, I’ve decided instead to immerse myself back into routines and ignore how I feel.  And I think it’s worked (for the most part)!

Earlier this month I went in for “lymphatic massage therapy” to try to reduce the persistant swelling along my jaw and under my chin.  I was literally swaddled in warm sheets on a table (I’m not complaining, just painting the full picture), while an aesthetician “tapped” various lymph nodes to “stimulate their valves to open.”  She then ran an ultra sound wand over the swollen area, which was a bit painful, but I was too relaxed to speak up about.   I left feeling “tingly” – and when I asked what I could expect she said I could expect to feel great,  no possible side effects, only reduced swelling and unicorns jumping over rainbows (those are my own words).

That afternoon I went to see my endocrinologist who recognized that I was (probably still am) very hypothyroid.  So bad that she didn’t want to take a blood sample to check for sure or how bad (probably b/c she didn’t want to give me more discouraging news).  She also explained some of the bizarre symptoms I had been having while my body was shutting down.  She suggested I come back in early April….which was a not-so-subtle hint that it would take that long to really see/feel improvement worth seeing her about.

I was also terribly frustrated that, despite the cheerful and optimistic forecast of the aesthetician, my swelling post-massage seemed worse!   So I drowned my sorrows in the hot tub that night and decided I would put my symptoms out of my mind or I would drive myself crazy (or crazier).

I then spent the next two weeks juggling working at my consulting job part-time and being a Mom full-time.   And while I haven’t been looking, things HAVE gotten better.  My tongue is still swollen but less so (as confirmed by my dentist).  I can taste some things, and instead of “battery” everything now tastes like “Sweet’N Low”.  The swelling has gone done under my chin and jaw; and just yesterday my dissolvable stitches, which were supposed to dissolve “within 2 weeks”,  finally came out leaving behind a mound of scar tissue where they were chronically irritating my skin for over 2 months.

But of course, pretending to be OK isn’t the same as actually being OK.  And as much as I have enjoyed being back in my life, I’m still not myself.  I’m exhausted.   I’m like an old battery that can no longer hold its charge.  Throughout the day and week I can feel my charge bar slowly dropping and then hitting zero.  This week I’m headed back to work full time and I’m definitely worried.   But of course there are worse things than walking around like a zombie; at least I’ll be a well-put-together zombie!  😉

I’m hopeful things will continue to improve as I’m not watching.  I’m also anxious to get back in the gym, but haven’t done so b/c of all the horrifying things I’ve read about exercising while hypothyroid (not a good idea).  So that is where I am, gazing out the window trying to enjoy the journey instead of asking how much longer until I get there….well, trying at least.

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One Response to Are We There Yet?

  1. Maria says:

    hang in there girl, i’m thinking about you! i know it’s taking a long time, but you are on the upswing. so keep on swingin’ up! 🙂

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